TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely from location. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another spot where by American Adult men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer everyone a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to halt utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the venture, replied, "You already know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set Trump Tower Damascus for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from space, a attribute currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after finding the making's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Options


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting attention from Global traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have turn-down company."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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